


Accepting Happiness

by lillpon



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-30 00:39:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16754527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lillpon/pseuds/lillpon
Summary: A little after reuniting with Alice, Killian takes a moment to try and let everything sink in. Hooked Queen, open to your interpretation.





	Accepting Happiness

There are birds flying outside the window.

Too deep in his thoughts, Killian feels too scared to look outside the window - too tired to raise his head, so he only looks at the shadows that reach the floor.

It helps him stay grounded, even a tiny bit. Looking as the shadows come and go... it helps him not drown in his terror.

He still can't believe his luck. He doesn't think it'll ever sink in, how lucky he is.

But the fear of that not lasting has already kicked in, and he's trying his damnest to not let it consume him.

The door opens, he can hear the hinges squeak against each other, but he doesn't have the energy to look up.

"Are you okay?"

Regina. She doesn't sound too worried, and he's glad. There's so many things he can handle at once.

He nods. Speaking would mean he'd have to move his hand away from his mouth - and it's the only thing that keeps his head from tilting forward completely.

"Can I sit?"

He nods again.

She sits next to him and he feels part of the weight lift and multiply at the same time.

"Alice is right outside, do you want me to call her?"

"Nuh-uh," he says, shaking his head. He moves his hand a little, supporting his chin on it and leaving his mouth free. "Seeing me like this is the last thing she needs right now. Is she alright?"

"Yeah, Robin's with her. Are you sure you don't want me to call her?"

"Aye." He's still hasn’t moved to look at her, just tranfixed on the shadows near the window. "I just needed a moment. To let everything sink in."

"I can guess it must be a lot."

"It is," he says, throwing a sarcastic, pathetic smile. "And I'm scared too. Of everything... going away. Of waking up and realizing it was just a dream. Of... of something happening and- and- I- I will..."

_I will deserve it._

"Hey," she says softly, scooting closer. "Right now it's over. Try to focus on the present. If,  _if_ something happens later, we can deal with it then."

" _We_?"

"Yes. We're still a team. Even almost family."

He chuckles sadly, and his eyes fill with tears. "I knew Alice was suffering... and sometimes I'd berate myself for it, but in that tower, I was feeling happy. I cou- I couldn't... deny it. How happy and proud of her I felt everytime she crossed a milestone. Her first steps, her first words, her first accomplishments. And I'd hate myself for it because she was suffering."

"She wasn't suffering. She had you. You know very well she'd choose having you over her freedom any day."

"Yeah." He sniffles.

"You spent so long blaming yourself for feeling happy?"

"Not... not directly. But what you said- that was the problem. I didn't want her to put me above her freedom, I... I wanted her to be free, to live the life she wanted, and not stay stuck in that tower because of my mistakes."

"It wasn't-"

"Oh, stop. I was to blame too. And it's something I never had the heart to admit to her."

"She didn't know everything?"

He chuckles again, and his tears start falling. "She didn't even know Gothel was her mother. I didn't- I-" He lets out a shaky breath. "She deserved a better mother... and better  _memories_ of one."

"So you made some up."

"I didn't think it would ever matter, or that Gothel would ever have the nerve to admit it, especially to her." He scrunches his eyes shut. "What a fool I was..."

He feels her hand wrap softly around his wrist. "Stop punishing yourself. There was only one to blame, and she got was she deserved." She comes a bit closer. "And she can't hurt you anymore."

"Yeah, well." He opens his eyes. "Only the memories of her hurt enough." He lowers his hand, gently releasing it from her grasp. He clenches it into a fist on his lap. "She'll keep hurting-"

"Only if you allow her to," she interrupts him. "You can get help. Both of you, together or separately. Or both."

He nods. Years worth of memories of being a cop has taught him about how important it is to provide a positive image for therapy.

"You know, my whole life... it's like happiness came in year-long doses. As a child- a young child, I was happy. Then I turned eight, my mother died and everything went downhill. I was fr-" He stops himself. Even though there's a chance Regina already knows this part of his story from his other self, he's still not ready to speak it out loud, especially not now. "I was close to my brother for five years, and then he died. I was with Milah for seven, and then she died." He lets out a laugh completely void of mirth. "The time I spent in that tower was the longest I'd been happy my whole life."

She stays silent for a few seconds. Then she takes his hand in hers, rubbing softly in an effort to alleviate the tension. "I'm sorry," is all she says, and her tone makes him finally turn towards her.

She's also crying silently. He wants to punch himself - she just lost an important friend, and here he is moping, when he finally has what he'd spent fifteen years wishing for.

He opens his fist and wraps his hand around one of hers.

She sniffles softly and looks up at him, tears in her eyes. "Let's promise to each other we won't let the other go downhill."

"Aye. I promise." He tightens his hold a little. "I'm here, if you want to talk about him." The Crocodile, of all people.

"And I'm here if you feel scared and don't want to bother Alice with it. Although you should know she's certainly feeling something similar herself."

"Aye, no doubt. I hope Robin can help."

She gives him a look. Her smile and teary eyes lessen its effect.

He smiles back. "I know she will."

She moves then, wrapping her arms around him. He hugs her back, letting out a shaky breath as she rubs soft circles on his back.


End file.
